When I Grow Up.
Aug. 13th, 2013 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ofearthandstarsWork has been a bit brutal lately, so I've been trying to be good to myself when not working (i.e, spend some time doing things I like to do instead of focusing on work or others). This morning I completed my second Week 6 C25K run. I can't really seem to get much further than 2.0 miles in the time I'm given. I'm still feeling more "holy crap! I ran two miles!" than "holy crap! I only ran two miles?!?!", though, so it's all good.
*grooves a little*
In other news that I have half-shouted to the skies, I've managed to pick up my guitar for the past three evenings and actually practice. I'm going to give credit to this toteaberryblue, who has been sharing her new ukelele skills. I think I mentioned that I put down the guitar at some point last fall (I think - maybe longer?) when things got too crazy to really have time for it. So I'm practically starting over, having forgotten some really obvious cords, still awkward in my strumming, still painfully slow at switching between certain chords. That said, I have some really sore fingers and some good calluses started, and I am surely enjoying torturing L. and my sons. I'm trying to tell myself that I can handle 15 minutes a day. It usually runs a little longer, but 15 minutes is the sort of commitment I can keep with myself.
I realize that as with my running, I've given myself permission to not be good at playing the guitar. I know that no one will believe me *cough*, but I can often be this somewhat OCD/anxious/perfectionist, that leads me to either go and completely work myself to death trying to make a "perfect" product or, the more frustrating polar opposite: feeling completely overwhelmed, and...mmm, not incapacitated, but "stuck". I suppose it's the old "fear of failure" keeping me from moving forward, except in my head, anything less than becoming a naturally talented brilliant songwriter and ultramarathoner feels like "nope, not good enough". Somehow, I tend to shout myself down when I've only just barely started.
Life has somewhat cured me of these delusions in the past year (I feel like being torn down to nothing has allowed me to begin to be thankful for the me that is not the me that pretties up for the world). Sometimes, though, I still struggle with the inner voices that shout me down as incapable. My biggest issue is confidence in my abilities, even though there are days I can logically say, "oh, you are good at this, and people have commented on that, so it's not just you making bits up". Like, mmm, this article really resonated with me the other day, precisely because I work in an office with a bunch of BRILLIANT engineers and scientists, and sometimes I feel like the moron in the room, even though I am a good scientist and a fine technical writer and I am not stupid. However, I've been reminding myself that I don't have to be good at All the Things. In fact, being good At All the Things is pretty tiresome, and it's okay to be Average at Some of the Things. (I still have a hang-up with the idea of being Bad At Some of the Things, because I was brought up to believe that I Can Do It All, and if I put the right effort forward in life, I should be able to turn into a rocket scientist-fashion-designer-international-peacemaker at age 33. See, in my head, I find it empowering to pretend to be superwoman, even though it eventually wears me down mentally and physically.)
So, yes, I think what I'm focusing on lately is a way to give myself a sort of radical permission to acknowledge that I am not going to be good. That I do have weaknesses, and it is okay to acknowledge those and pause and take the time to refine those weaknesses, but the point of doing these things is to enjoy them. I work as an environmental scientist because I believe in the work. I am learning the guitar because even though I have rudimentary knowledge of music theory, I love being able to sing and strum along just for the hell of it. I am running because I've got powerful legs and a strong body, even if that body is not slim or graceful or the picture of health. It's okay if on a given day I suck at one of those things, though, because that's what being human is about.
Maybe this is the path to self-acceptance and self-love. Goddess knows I beat myself up too much, apologize too much, and stress over everything. Maybe I am finally learning to make the allowances for myself that I make for others. There's still a twitch in the back of the brain that is reminding me that I'm slacking off somewhere, but I've managed to strangle it momentarily with this idea of radical permission.
I hope I can hang on to the concept for a little while. I'm starting to get things done.
*grooves a little*
In other news that I have half-shouted to the skies, I've managed to pick up my guitar for the past three evenings and actually practice. I'm going to give credit to this to
teaberryblue, who has been sharing her new ukelele skills. I think I mentioned that I put down the guitar at some point last fall (I think - maybe longer?) when things got too crazy to really have time for it. So I'm practically starting over, having forgotten some really obvious cords, still awkward in my strumming, still painfully slow at switching between certain chords. That said, I have some really sore fingers and some good calluses started, and I am surely enjoying torturing L. and my sons. I'm trying to tell myself that I can handle 15 minutes a day. It usually runs a little longer, but 15 minutes is the sort of commitment I can keep with myself. I realize that as with my running, I've given myself permission to not be good at playing the guitar. I know that no one will believe me *cough*, but I can often be this somewhat OCD/anxious/perfectionist, that leads me to either go and completely work myself to death trying to make a "perfect" product or, the more frustrating polar opposite: feeling completely overwhelmed, and...mmm, not incapacitated, but "stuck". I suppose it's the old "fear of failure" keeping me from moving forward, except in my head, anything less than becoming a naturally talented brilliant songwriter and ultramarathoner feels like "nope, not good enough". Somehow, I tend to shout myself down when I've only just barely started.
Life has somewhat cured me of these delusions in the past year (I feel like being torn down to nothing has allowed me to begin to be thankful for the me that is not the me that pretties up for the world). Sometimes, though, I still struggle with the inner voices that shout me down as incapable. My biggest issue is confidence in my abilities, even though there are days I can logically say, "oh, you are good at this, and people have commented on that, so it's not just you making bits up". Like, mmm, this article really resonated with me the other day, precisely because I work in an office with a bunch of BRILLIANT engineers and scientists, and sometimes I feel like the moron in the room, even though I am a good scientist and a fine technical writer and I am not stupid. However, I've been reminding myself that I don't have to be good at All the Things. In fact, being good At All the Things is pretty tiresome, and it's okay to be Average at Some of the Things. (I still have a hang-up with the idea of being Bad At Some of the Things, because I was brought up to believe that I Can Do It All, and if I put the right effort forward in life, I should be able to turn into a rocket scientist-fashion-designer-international-peacemaker at age 33. See, in my head, I find it empowering to pretend to be superwoman, even though it eventually wears me down mentally and physically.)
So, yes, I think what I'm focusing on lately is a way to give myself a sort of radical permission to acknowledge that I am not going to be good. That I do have weaknesses, and it is okay to acknowledge those and pause and take the time to refine those weaknesses, but the point of doing these things is to enjoy them. I work as an environmental scientist because I believe in the work. I am learning the guitar because even though I have rudimentary knowledge of music theory, I love being able to sing and strum along just for the hell of it. I am running because I've got powerful legs and a strong body, even if that body is not slim or graceful or the picture of health. It's okay if on a given day I suck at one of those things, though, because that's what being human is about.
Maybe this is the path to self-acceptance and self-love. Goddess knows I beat myself up too much, apologize too much, and stress over everything. Maybe I am finally learning to make the allowances for myself that I make for others. There's still a twitch in the back of the brain that is reminding me that I'm slacking off somewhere, but I've managed to strangle it momentarily with this idea of radical permission.
I hope I can hang on to the concept for a little while. I'm starting to get things done.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-14 04:25 pm (UTC)I sometimes have that overwhelming feeling like I am the ‘idiot’ in the room. It really is a crappy feeling, but then I have to remind myself that I also have talents/skills that these ‘smart people’ don’t have or else I’d go crazy! And like you said, your intelligence might not be in engineering but you aren’t stupid. You’re a smart woman! :D
And grats on running two miles ... If I tried that, I'd probably die (:
no subject
Date: 2013-08-14 05:36 pm (UTC)But thank you, seriously, for the encouragement! I am thinking that the only way to really let myself grow is to stop expecting perfection and allowing myself to try new things without being so afraid of failing them. It's just a pain, because, you know, there are those people who seem to be good at things automatically... but maybe (just maybe) they feel that way about some of the stuff that I can do.